Do One Thing Daily

My 50th post! A milestone in itself. My mom is encouraging me to Do One Thing daily to move myself toward my goal...to be a thin, healthy writer. So today I write. Tomorrow I will exercise and write and the next day and the next day and day by day I will become my dream.

It was somewhat difficult to pack up Dolores's clothes last night and I couldn't have done it without my mom helping me decide what to keep, what to give to her, what to give to Terrie and what to donate. So Aaron and I donated 3 huge bags to Haiti and kept 2 huge bags that we will give to The Cancer Federation. My mom took what she wanted, I kept what I wanted and I have one huge bag for Terrie. It was hard for Aaron to see "our" mom's things go so we will have to move slowly if we get rid of more of her things in the future. Thank goodness we don't have to try to sell a house or condo. It's easier and we can take our time since she lived with us. Everything she had is right downstairs.

Tomorrow I will make what we like to call Old Faithful. For some strange reason, we've decided that Chinese potstickers and baked fish planks were the bee's knees about 4 years ago. It's an easy meal to make. I put the fish in the oven and let it cook while I sautee the potstickers in a skillet with olive oil and teriyaki sauce. When they are done I put some in a bowl for each of us and sprinkle more teriyaki sauce and rice wine vinegar over them, stir and serve. When the fish are done cooking, I serve them with 1/2 slice of cheese over each portion with some fresh or canned vegetables.

Food For Thought:

It's been getting easier for me to climb the stairs at work. I'm not so heavily weighed down with grief. I am moving in to a lighter form of sadness and it's making me feel lighter. It's a welcome feeling. Don't get me wrong, I can cry about Dolores in an instant when the mood hits or someone says or does a certain thing that tugs on my heartstrings, but that feeling is not ever-present like it was. I'm very interested in exercising to firm up my body, to become stronger, to have less daily physical pain. To become a thinner, healthier writer...

Helping Out

Tonight we ate at Culvers because we had another meeting with our financial advisor to go over Dolores's estate.

I know Culvers isn't the healthiest food to eat, but sometimes you just end up at a fast food place when you only have 15 minutes to eat. So I ordered a single cheeseburger with mayo, lettuce, tomato and onion. I had 1/2 of my french fries and a couple swallows of Sierra Mist. For a fast food meal, it didn't sit too bad and I didn't feel completely done in. I'm not kidding myself thinking this was ok, but it could've been worse.

I felt so good giving our friend at work, Imtiaz, a big bowl of my home-cooked chili and cornbread for his birthday lunch today. He is from India and is always making curry dishes with either shrimp or chicken for us just because, so I wanted to make him something special that was all American to enjoy. He really liked it so I was glad.

Tomorrow night my Mom is coming over to help me go through some of Dolores's clothes and shoes to donate to Haiti. I think Dolores would like knowing that some of her belongings will help out our "neighbors in need" in Haiti who now don't have running water and can't wash themselves let alone their clothes. Dolores was always trying to help some worthy cause so even though I don't like the fact that I have to pack up her clothes, I think doing it this way is a great idea.

Not as sad

It's been a rough week. We're at the 1 month mark with Dolores being gone from our lives. I think we're both doing better. We're not as sad, but Sundays seem to be a hard day for us.

I met for lunch with my good friend, Joyce today. We always have a great time talking about everything. Her brother passed away recently so we discussed our sadness and the importance of forgiveness. Joyce is always very positive even in the midst of sadness, so it was very helpful for me to be with her today.

I ordered a Julienne salad which was really good. I took half of it home. I ordered a Turkey club sandwich for Aaron. For dinner tonight I made chili with 92% lean ground beef. It was very tasty and healthy.

We're feeling heavy again and in need of some good old fashioned exercise. I'm going to walk and will also resume doing yoga. Aaron still needs to decide what exercise he will do for weight loss.

Today Joyce shared with me how she bakes a chicken. She rubs lemon juice all over the chicken inside and out, then salts and peppers all over inside and out. She puts the lemon rinds in the cavity of the chicken with some cut up onion then she sprinkles paprika over the outside and bakes it until it's a golden brown. That sounds so yummy, I think I will try it next weekend.

I may not be back in the saddle yet, but I've got my boots on and the horse is ready to go at least!

Depression-Comfort Food-Alcohol

Depression and pigging out are buddies. The third wheel is Alcohol, but not an unwelcome member of the trinity. I think the combination of the 3 is just not a good thing, one feeds off of the other - especially for me. I'm renewing my energy to back off the comfort food and the alcohol.

It's so hard to do this when we need so much comfort right now. We must look to another outlet for comfort other than food and alcohol and giving in to our depression about Dolores. I just have to force us to eat right, get some exercise and drink lots of water. This sadness is weighing me down so much that I can hardly walk up the stairs at work but I have to try and try and try. It's unacceptable to lay down and die because our mother died. We have to keep going on even when we don't want to.

Tonight I had some energy so I made some tacos in soft tortilla shells with cheese, onion, tomato and light sour cream. I served it with corn and fat free spicy refried beans. It was very good. I enjoyed cooking it too.

I haven't mentioned this before but since Dolores passed away, we are now parents to her 2 cats, Baby - a boy, and Dolly - a girl. Aaron grew up with cats but I'm learning about them now. I am allergic so I saw an Allergist today. I will soon be on allergy injections to desensitize myself so I can spend time with them. It will be worth it. They are both so loving, especially Baby. He's 16 years old and a lover. Dolly is about 7 years old. Dolores adopted her after she was rescued from being abused. She did such great work with her over the past couple of years. Dolly has really come a long way and is trusting again. I'm also learning about their food and what they like to eat and shouldn't eat. It's been an experience and it seems that now as with all new parents, our lives revolve around those that are completely depedent on us.

Scale

Scale? What scale? Who's got the scale? Did you see the scale? I have no idea where it is...

______________________

Of the "fast food fenzy" weight that I gained right after Dolores died, I've lost 2 1/2 pounds. I will call that positive. I look in the mirror and find an older face with more pain staring back at me. Is that my new face? I hope it's only temporary and soon I will feel lighter in both mind and body.

I am having the hardest time trying to gather my energy together in order to make a difference. I need help.

Family Traditions

I just had to force myself to eat an apple. But I did it and do you know what? It was excellent! Honey Crisp. My favorite. It actually picked me up a little.

Hey, at this point I will take all the positive I can get.

Tonight's menu is baked chicken with rosemary, garlic and lemon. I'll make a baked potato with diet butter and fat free sour cream and then a mixed greens salad with fat free dressing. I think it will be good.

Last night we had a really great meal at my mom's house. For an appetizer she put out some mortadella with pistachio's and crackers and then some garlic stuffed green olives and pepperoncinis. She made her famous spaghetti with hot Italian sausage, a salad consisting of cucumbers, egg whites, grape tomatoes, mushrooms and some seasonings, and then she made my favorite - steamed broccoli. She put a melted cheese sauce over it. She also made her famous garlic bread. It was delicious. We enjoyed some Malbec wine with our meal. Before I went to bed my blood sugar was 128 so I was satisfied with the results.

When I have the energy, I will begin making Dolores's favorite dishes from her tried and true recipes. I must carry the torch that has been passed to me and continue the family traditions!

Every Day A Little Better

Every day the grief knot is eased somewhat...and then it starts all over again. Although, overall, I am feeling better.

I'm trying so hard to make healthy choices and it's difficult because I just want some comfort. I'm forcing us to eat salads and vegetables and soups when all we want is a quick fix consisting of someone bringing something hot, steaming and fattening to the door. We had 2 weeks of that and are feeling a little swollen in our bellies.

Mama wouldn't like that we aren't taking care of ourselves, so we continually renew our efforts. Tonight is Subway - turkey. Lots of vegetables.

Tomorrow is soup. We'll get there, we'll get there...

Trying Again

Aaron and I are slowly coming around again and trying hard to find some sort of normalcy in our new life without our Mother. It is so hard. We miss her and want to talk to her and laugh with her and can't.

As far as our diets and our eating, it's all messed up because I haven't wanted to cook, people are bringing food, we are going out to eat and ordering in, etc. Not to mention trying to ease the pain a little with some drinks...

Today is the first day that I felt like trying to diet again so I ate my normal diet breakfast and a Smart Ones for lunch. For dinner we had a salad and some pork tenderloin. My blood sugar tonight was 110. So for today we did good.

Dolores really wanted us to lose weight and she was concerned about our health issues. So I want to do this for me, for Aaron and now for Dolores.

Love ya Mom!