Feelings...

It's my 75th post! That's exciting for me. Another marker in my quest to be healthy.

I read a quote today that said, "All of us must suffer one of two pains. The pain of discipline or the pain of regret. The difference is discipline weighs ounces and regret weighs tons."

I've been carrying around tons of regret. The deepest regret isn't so much the things that I've done, for those ease with time, it's the things I haven't done that are "inconsolable." (from another quote).

I've wanted many things over the years but the things I've wanted most are a normal, loving husband and family, to be a writer and to be healthy. I have everything but the healthy part and that's all up to me. I'm reasonably healthy despite the fact that I have diabetes but I am still grossly overweight. I know that it's up to me and I am having the hardest time whipping myself into shape so to speak. I have always struggled with my weight. It hurts to know that people who I have known most of my life remember me always being overweight.

The strange thing is...I'm doing it to myself. Why? Am I still trying to stuff down my feelings? What feelings? Let's take them out and look at them and resolve them for God's sake already. There are some things that I can't stomach looking at because it hurts too much. So I just change the subject in my mind. I can talk about Dolores dying freely and cry freely over this and this is one of the most painful things that has happened to me. There are some other things that I can't talk about and share freely. These are the things that are stuffed down inside. I must deal with these things or else I am going to forever be overweight and unhealthy...trying to surround myself with layers of comfort instead of carving out the sadness deep inside.

Ok, tonight is the beginning. I pray for the excision of my sadness and disappointment. Gosh, like I'm the only one who has ever felt emotional and psychological pain...

I'm going to sit in Yoga tonight meditating on these things and just take a look at them, sitting with them side by side. I think it will help. Maybe I won't be afraid to feel the sadness and disappointment. Maybe I will learn that it won't overtake me and that I can really combat these feelings I keep pushing away with pizza and salami and cookies.

Let the mountain come to Mohammed...