Doing Well Tonight

I'm doing well tonight...purging some old files in my office. It's a wonderful thing.

Something finally crossed over today for Aaron. He said he's tired of overeating and being overweight. He asked if we could eat less and healthier and I'm so happy about that. He asked me at dinner tonight if he could have a few potato chips and I said no, so he didn't.

We ate some hot Italian sausage sauteed with red and green peppers, green onions, green olives stuffed with pimentos, black pepper and crushed red pepper flakes and then I threw in a drained can of diced tomatoes. We sprinkled a little olive oil and red wine vinegar on some rigati pasta and put the sausage and pepper mix on top with a small amount of Parmesan cheese. It was great! We had a glass of rose wine to go with it.

I think I will buy Aaron some new "going out" clothes tomorrow. I think it will do him a world of good like it did me. It may just perk him up in the depression department too. Gotta take care of my man!

Something Crossed Over

Something finally crossed over in my mind yesterday and I actually used my elbows to push away from the dinner table. I think I got a taste of what it used to be like being thin and pretty on Saturday and I really want that again. I'm sick of my big belly and have already begun to shrink it.

I have struggled with weight loss issues for the better part of my life - since I was 28. I was a chubby girl but thinned out in junior high and high school and was quite thin up until my 28th year - 1992. Not a good year for me. I went through a divorce then and lost 45 pounds like nothing. I slowly started putting it back on over the years and here I am today. Now I'm starting all over again. (Again).

How many times can I start over again and not finish? It's ridiculous. Being over weight is no longer acceptable and I do care about what I look like and feel like. I think that's the heart of the problem. I recently told my mom that what I'm thinking when I reach for something I shouldn't have is: "I don't care, I just want it!" She said, "well, you just have to care then." I do care. I want to do this so badly. I need help, I'm asking for it. I need prayers and support. I know that I'm already getting all of that from all of you and I'm grateful. Now I need to take the steps forward with no looking back...I don't want to fail this time.

Dear Mom

"Dear Mom,

Thanks for thinking I was so beautiful last night. I felt really good. It's a big step in the right direction. I'm tired of being fat and making unhealthy decisions. I am forcing myself to stay on track. For breakfast this morning I had Greek yogurt sweetened with honey, mixed with granola and whole oats with dried cranberries. It was so yummy and it made me feel good. Gee, healthy food makes you feel good. What a concept!"

A portion of a letter I wrote to my mom today. We went to a great party last night at our friend and financial advisor's home, (Michael.) We enjoyed an Italian meal of veal, chicken and eggplant parmesan with a salad and some wine. I bought a new pair of jeans and some high heels and a blue blouse to wear. I also had my hair done and I really put on the makeup. I felt great. It's been a very long time since I've worn jeans. Ok, I had to buy the stretch jeans at Avenue, but they were size 16 petite.

I recently had a dream that I was getting a clothes and hair makeover and I took it seriously. I'm going to weed out the old, frumpy clothes that I've been wearing for years and give them to charity. I need to update the shoe closet and buy a few more pants that aren't double knit!

I look forward to working on thinning my belly too. It's my absolute worst feature.

Look out, here I come!

Getting Ready to Write

There's not enough time in my day. That's an old statement! I would love to enjoy many hours sitting and contemplating thoughts, ideas, memories, then settle down with a hot cup of tea and a lemon cookie and write about them. That is my ultimate fantasy!

"The world is too much with us." Write back and tell me what poet wrote that line. It'll be a trivia contest.

"Ah love, let us be true to one another..." Who wrote that line?

I'm getting ready to finally write that novel I've been holding within me and bursting at the seems with. In the process, I'm steeping myself in words and poems. Opening up to some important memories. Not sure where I'll begin. Perhaps at the beginning. Maybe somewhere in the middle.

Food For Thought:

I'm missing Dolores. I'm wandering around downstairs in her apartment staring at her things. She's not there. It's so quiet. I look in her refrigerator, it's empty. So is my heart. I fill myself with food...hoping to fill the void that she left when she passed away. It's not working.

As my cousin Lynette so aptly put today, "Grief is so hard."

Lost 1 pound!

I lost 1 pound last week so I was very happy. I still have so much more to go, but 1 pound at a time. My lab tests came back higher than normal, so I am on a fierce effort to regain my control. It's so hard eating the right things when I'm still so very sad. I don't have much strength, but what I do have, I must use.

We went out to eat on Thursday night - Denny's of all places. And I ordered a salad of mixed greens with chicken breast, cranberries, pecans with balsamic viniagrette. I also had a bowl of chicken noodle soup. I had water with lemon to drink. Amazingly, it was too much and I had to bring the chicken soup home.

I'm still dealing with my cat and environmental allergies. I had a rough time of it last night. I'm not sure why.

Aaron and I are going back on WW points tomorrow. We're both excited about it. Mom and I are planning to do some yoga together at her house. We have Dolores's old DVD called Yoga for Inflexible People! It should be interesting.

I bought some sugar free candy and will have 1 after lunch each day this week to break myself of the sugar fix after lunch that I seem to be on. I will do this for 2 weeks and I think that will work.

Have a great week and I'll be talking to you soon.

I'll become my dream!

I saw my Endocrinologist today. I am doing well and am at the same weight I was 3 months ago. She kept all my medications the same and I had a blood test - Hemaglobin A1C. It tests how much sugar has been in your blood for the past 3 months. My last result was 6.9 and I need to be at 6 or below. So we'll see.

She said I should concentrate on exercising that it will help with the grief, weight loss and muscle strength. She told me that folks over 40 lose 1-2 pounds of muscle per year and it turns to fat if you don't counteract it with exercise. I never knew that. Yuck. I pictured a bunch of loose swinging flesh hanging from my body in about 10 years.

I have to see her again in June and I am to have lost 8 pounds by then. Let's surprise her and lose 10! It could only help me in the process. Can I do it? You bet!

Food For Thought:

My mom's encouragement is helping. I did more than One Good Thing today. I walked, I ate my diet hot dogs without the bun and added vegetables instead and I did not have any sweets. (It's been hard to break the habit of 1 piece of candy after lunch and I did NOT do that today!)

One day at a time and I'll become my dream

Good Food Choices

I did make good food choices today with one exception. I did have a chocolate chip cookie after lunch. I need people, especially my Mom, to please keep encouraging me and help keep me on track. I want to be held accountable (to me).

Tonight I made bacon, egg, cheese sandwiches and there was actually some bacon left over that we didn't eat. I had an open face sandwich giving up one slice of bread. I had 2 potato chips and the rest of my fruit salad from yesterday. I did not have alcohol tonight. I also didn't have as much coffee today.

I'm still so tired. Grief takes it's toll. I'm concentrating on eating right and sleeping right and getting some heart-healthy exercise. I see my Endocrinologist tomorrow for a check up on my Diabetes so we'll see what she has to say.

Saturday my cousins had us over for Christmas dinner. We celebrated late because their Dad, my Uncle Andy, passed away Dec 18 and then Dolores on the 21st. It was a rough Christmas for our whole family. Christine and Greg, my cousin and her husband, made a delicious meal of roast pork loin stuffed with an artichoke stuffing mixture, with some veggies, stuffing and sweet potatoes as side dishes. Everything was healthy and very good. We had a great time together. Lynette and Keith, my other cousin and her husband, brought their 2 yellow lab "girls" - Libby and Kasey. They had a great time too.

Food For Thought:

"If it is to be, it is up to me!"